Sarcasm is a form of verbal irony. It can be a way to insult or make others laugh. Read the funniest sarcastic quotes and sayings for a good laugh.
Sarcasm is everywhere. You either love or hate it. But, it achieves responses you couldn’t get without it.
Sarcasm is an ironic or satirical remark. It can lead to comedic relief or make someone feel foolish.
When using sarcasm, focus on context and tone.
Get a laugh and inspiration with the following sarcastic quotes and sayings.
Related: Funny Narcissist Quotes
Hilarious sarcastic quotes
1. “I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.” -Unknown
2. “I am not young enough to know everything.” -Oscar Wilde
3. “ Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” -Alan Dundes
4. “When someone says, ‘Expect the unexpected.” Slap them and say, ‘You didn’t expect that, did you?'”
5. “When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.” -Unknown
6. “Okay, I’m here. What are your other two wishes?” -Unknown
7. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” -Isaac Asimov
8. “I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.” -Unknown
9. “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” -Katharine Hepburn
10. “It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.” -Unknown
11. “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.” -H. L. Mencken
12. “Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it… Get plenty of sleep.” -W. C. Fields
13. “I’m busy right now. Can I ignore you some other time?” -Unknown
14. “Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.” -Don Marquis
15. “My alone time is sometimes for your safety.” -Unknown
16. “People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.” -Russell Baker
17. “An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.” -Unknown
18. “History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” -Abba Eban
19. “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” -Jerry Seinfeld
20. “I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand.” -Charles M. Schulz
21. “Don’t rush me. I’m waiting for the last minute.” -Unknown
22. “Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.” -Robert A. Heinlein
23. “Find your patience before I lose mine.” -Unknown
24. “It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.” -Paul Newman
25. “I’m not always rude and sarcastic. Sometimes, I’m sleeping.” -Unknown
26. “Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.” -Robin Williams
27. “You can always tell when a man’s well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.” -H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
28. “My level of sarcasm depends on your level of stupidity.” -Unknown
29. “Please cancel my subscription to your issues.” -Unknown
30. “A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.” -Oliver Herford
31. “You can do anything with bayonets except sit on them.” -Thomas Hardy
32. “They say good things take time. That’s why I’m always late.” -Unknown
33. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” -Oscar Wilde
34. “I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you.” -Unknown
35. “Reality continues to ruin my life.” -Bill Watterson
36. “When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.” -Richard Lewis
37. “I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.” -Robert Benchley
38. “I found your nose. It was in my business.” -Unknown
39. “I wish more people were fluent in silence.” -Unknown
40. “If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.” -Unknown
41. “If you must make a noise, make it quietly.” -Oliver Hardy
42. “I always say ‘Morning’ instead of ‘Good morning’ because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.” -Unknown
43. “I’m allergic to stupidity; I break out in sarcasm.” -Unknown
44. “Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.” -Unknown
45. “Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” -George Carlin
46. “There’s one thing about baldness, it’s neat.” -Don Herold
47. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.” -Unknown
48. “You know what I like about people? Their dogs.” -Unknown
49. “I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.” -Mitch Hedberg
50. “Zombies eat brains, you are safe.” -Unknown
51. “Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of dying, he sings.” -Robert Benchley
52. “Don’t mistake this fake smile and professional body language. I’d punch you in the throat if I knew I wouldn’t lose my job.” -Unknown
53. “A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.” -Winston Churchill
54. “I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.” -Unknown
55. “It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.” -Unknown
56. “I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” -Groucho Marx
57. “We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect.” -Alanis Morissette
58. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” -Fred Allen
59. “I’m not lazy. I’m in energy-saving mode.” -Unknown
60. “Thanks for calling me to tell me that you just sent me an email.” -Unknown
61. “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” -Albert Camus
62. “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” -Bill Watterson
63. “I like sleeping because it’s like being dead without the commitment.” -Unknown
64. “Sometimes the first step toward forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot.” -Unknown
65. “Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” -Stephen Colbert
66. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” -Groucho Marx
67. “You never realize how truly sarcastic you are until you have a mini-me who acts the same way.” -Unknown
68. “ Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” -Joey Adams
69. “I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” -Robin Williams
70. “If you’re naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don’t like.” -William Feather
71. “Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.” -Unknown
72. “Repeating quotes from funny movies doesn’t make you funny.” -Unknown
73. “Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder?” -Don Rickles
74. “There’s someone for everyone, and that person for you is a psychiatrist.” -Unknown
75. “Sarcasm is my body’s natural defense against stupidity.” -Unknown
76. “I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” -Douglas Adams
77. “I never liked you, and I always will.” -Samuel Goldwyn
78. “I clapped because it was finished, not because I liked it.” -Unknown
79. “Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?” -Unknown
80. “Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?” -James Thurber
81. “No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.” -Unknown
82. “Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.” -Unknown
83. “If you find me offensive. Then, I suggest you quit finding me.” -Unknown
84. “Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.” -Will Rogers
85. “I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.” -Unknown
86. “All generalizations are false, including this one.” -Mark Twain
87. “My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know.” -Unknown
88. “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” -Billy Wilder
89. “Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.” -Unknown
90. “Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” -Margaret Mead
91. “When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.” -Unknown
92. “Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” -Ashleigh Brilliant
93. “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” -Albert Einstein
94. “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” -Groucho Marx
95. “My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.” -Unknown
96. “You’d be in good shape… if you ran as much as your mouth.” -Unknown
97. “Sometimes, I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap eight people at once.”” -Unknown
98. “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.” -Unknown
99. “Fun fact: I don’t care.” -Unknown
100. “I don’t have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.” -Unknown
101. “If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” -Reese Witherspoon
102. “I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.” -Unknown
103. “Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.” -Salvador Dali
104. “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” -George Carlin
105. “If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?” -Cynthia Heimel
106. “Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.” -Unknown
107. “I am only human, although I regret it.” -Mark Twain
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Featured image by David Em/Humor Living.